The Most BitterSweet Day of the Year.

        Words cannot express how much I miss her, I much I want to kiss her, hold her, smell her and hug her. She was my first born, my love, my life and no one will ever take away the love I have for my daughter. Heaven Laya, what a proper name for her, and to think I had this name picked out since I was in middle school, It was like God was preparing me for MY angel. She was given her wings when I was only 25 weeks pregnant w/ her, March 1st 2007 was the hardest day of my life. 

August 26. 2006 My husband and I said our I Do's... a couple weeks later we found out we were pregnant and our Due Date was June 14, 2007, It seemed pretty fast but we were ready for anything. I was still shocked the whole time, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to be the mom that i dreamt of being.

February 14, 2007 We had the privilege of finding out what our "babybaby" would be... when the doc said it was a girl We couldn't be more thrilled... her name would be Heaven Laya.

 My baby girl.

By this point she was moving full swing and i loved to see her move in my belly. It was like experiencing a beautiful painting being painted. It was breathtaking, I would imagine all the things that me and Heaven would be able to do, shopping, cheerleading, singing like no one was watching, she was going to be my best friend. The daughter i could play with her hair and play dress up with. I wanted to be the mom that she could talk to and tell me her boy problems and I wanted to help her be the better her... 

Then the morning of Tuesday February 27, i didn't feel her move as she usually did. In my head she was just extra sleepy. I never thought anything was going to happen to my precious baby girl. but I told my husband that If she wasn't moving by the next morning I was gonna go to the Doctor to get her checked. Well that next morning, my mom, my Husband and I went to the ER.

All i remember was them using that cold heart detector thing on my belly......... 

no beautiful sound. 

nothing. No something has to be wrong, I wanted to yell at the Nurse "your heart thingy is broken, go get one that works" but i stayed calm, I somehow felt a peace in my heart. They wheeled me to the ultrasound room, It was dark and quiet and i layed down on the crinkly LOUD paper.... i didn't want to look at the screen and I don't think the tech wanted me to either....

seconds felt like century's... all i wanted to know was if she was OKAY....  I tried to read the techs face, but he was blank as stone. I didn't know what to think. I felt so helpless and out of control, Like no one was on my side. I saw my husbands face ( he was looking at the monitor) and i saw tears running down his face, and i knew i had lost her. 


The Tech wasn't allowed to say anything to us, so they wheeled me back to the L&D room. No one had said anything to us. We were all confused (my mom, my husband and I) and we just wanted answers... Then that (insert curse words here) doctor came busting in the door and said something like "so since the baby is passed away you can have it now or you can wait a couple of days."  wohhh wait whatttttt???? i couldn't even process the words, i had lost my daughter? she was gone? 

I cried for what seemed like days, my mom and husband tried to comfort me, but i was also worried about them, i mean they to  lost a daughter and a 1st granddaughter. 

Thoughts crossed my mind... was it my fault, did i eat too much, did i not eat enough, did i sleep wrong, did i lift something i wasn't suppose too. 
.......then just like that BAM!!!
Peace filled my heart and i heard the softest voice "Please I needed her more than you did on earth, don't worry she is in the arms of your saviour and One day when I call you up to be with me she will be there waiting for you as will I"   I was in peace, I saw people worry for me and I told them not to. I knew where Heaven was and i knew she had duties to fulfill. She will forever be my angel. 

It doesn't mean I don't think of her, Miss her.. but i know i will see her again. The Next day was the hardest knowing that I am not pregnant anymore. and I had to have her just like if she was an alive baby. I went through the contractions and through all the pain of having a baby, but i didn't get to see my reward, not for a long while, But I am OK with that..... March 1. is a bitter sweet day for me. I miss her so much and I wish she was here but i know she has duties of an angel to attend to. :)

Happy 4th Angel Day Baby Girl

I know she watches over us and I know she helped design her baby brother... I miss you Heaven Laya, and I cannot wait to see you soon.  Muah


Love, Your Momma...

A Little Faith Goes A Long Way...

As I sit here and think about my life, I realize I have a lot to be thankful for... I may not have A lot of money or even spending money and I might have to live paycheck to paycheck at the moment... but i have my health, my awesome baby boy (who by the way is no longer a baby) and a husband who I am blessed to have. I go through out my day saying "Oh I wish I had that, I wish I had this" bur would i be happier with those things? Yeah i would have the latest gadjet to talk about or be excited for the moment but would it Trully bring happiness??? I dont think so...  We need to find what brings us happiness with out having to spend money...
This past Monday, We took a trip out to the Park, Oh it is so beautiful... We went to feed the ducks and have Ryan play in the awesome outdoor play area... But I got a lot out of this trip. We were spending real quality time together. My heart was so full of love, happiness and Joy... and we didnt spend a single cent.. Amazing huh? We made a promise that we would be doing these little outings more often... and I am excited for them, and i can bet you Ryan is too. :)

Ryan was totally not scared, He was feeding them out of his hand, I on the other hand, screamed when i was trying to do the same... lol

 We are always ready for a picture... :)

Now the three of us.. :D

 Then we walked along the river, and saw a huge tree stump and well, we decided to stick Ryan in... haha He liked it though.

 And My favorite Picture of all... bc you can see his Childish  JOY!!! I love you my sweet boy!!

Till next time, I encourge you to spend time outdoors with the ones you love!! <3 

XOXO, Cyndy <3 :)

A Prayer From My Heart.

As I look outside my box I see the clouds are gone. I wonder who made them disappear and I realize its Faith, Hope, and Love. These things only come from the man upstairs. Why does he even care for a person like me??? Who am I to worry for Lord? I need you in my life, I want to hunger for your love, I want to fight for your truth. How can I not?? 
You have been my savior since the day I was born. None other could of made me, Preemie, w no complications. My days of grief and heartache you have been there to catch my tears on your shoulder. I want my future to be a Godly one and my present to be a sacrifice to you. Lord, help me be more like you with a passionate heart and a soul for peace. 
I want to be a great example to my son. I want him to have peace, love, patience, and kindness in his heart, soul and spirit. I want to raise him into a Godly man, A man who knows that you are his fortress and whenever he feels lonely he knows that he has the Lord of Lords guiding his every step. I want to be his example and through me I want him to see your love. Love so unconditional that not even the devil himself can shake. Lord, help me be his teacher and teach him not only his fundamentals but also the word of God. I want him to shine with your love. I want him not to be ashamed or fearful of what others might think of him. I am his teacher here on earth but you are the one teaching me.

Thank you for trusting me with a wonderful son like him. He shines with happiness and joy each and everyday. How can someone not see his precious smiling face and not believe in you. You made him perfect as can be, perfect for ME. I wake up every morning to his beautiful face and I cant help but praise your name. I now understand what joy and peace really are. I see them in his eyes when he plays, runs and even cries. I see him trust me, know me and he understands I will never leave his side. And that's how we should be with you Lord. I want to know you from the inside out. I want you to be my all in all. Show me your mercy, Hold me in your arms. Guide my way and embrace my heart. 

I never want to leave your side. Life with out your love is cold, dark and lonely. Never do i want to be with out your love. Thank you for guiding my every step, Loving my heart, and refreshing my soul.

In your precious name i pray. 

Cyndy