August 26. 2006 My husband and I said our I Do's... a couple weeks later we found out we were pregnant and our Due Date was June 14, 2007, It seemed pretty fast but we were ready for anything. I was still shocked the whole time, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to be the mom that i dreamt of being.
February 14, 2007 We had the privilege of finding out what our "babybaby" would be... when the doc said it was a girl We couldn't be more thrilled... her name would be Heaven Laya.
My baby girl.
Then the morning of Tuesday February 27, i didn't feel her move as she usually did. In my head she was just extra sleepy. I never thought anything was going to happen to my precious baby girl. but I told my husband that If she wasn't moving by the next morning I was gonna go to the Doctor to get her checked. Well that next morning, my mom, my Husband and I went to the ER.
All i remember was them using that cold heart detector thing on my belly.........
no beautiful sound.
nothing. No something has to be wrong, I wanted to yell at the Nurse "your heart thingy is broken, go get one that works" but i stayed calm, I somehow felt a peace in my heart. They wheeled me to the ultrasound room, It was dark and quiet and i layed down on the crinkly LOUD paper.... i didn't want to look at the screen and I don't think the tech wanted me to either....
seconds felt like century's... all i wanted to know was if she was OKAY.... I tried to read the techs face, but he was blank as stone. I didn't know what to think. I felt so helpless and out of control, Like no one was on my side. I saw my husbands face ( he was looking at the monitor) and i saw tears running down his face, and i knew i had lost her.
The Tech wasn't allowed to say anything to us, so they wheeled me back to the L&D room. No one had said anything to us. We were all confused (my mom, my husband and I) and we just wanted answers... Then that (insert curse words here) doctor came busting in the door and said something like "so since the baby is passed away you can have it now or you can wait a couple of days." wohhh wait whatttttt???? i couldn't even process the words, i had lost my daughter? she was gone?
I cried for what seemed like days, my mom and husband tried to comfort me, but i was also worried about them, i mean they to lost a daughter and a 1st granddaughter.
Thoughts crossed my mind... was it my fault, did i eat too much, did i not eat enough, did i sleep wrong, did i lift something i wasn't suppose too.
.......then just like that BAM!!!
Peace filled my heart and i heard the softest voice "Please I needed her more than you did on earth, don't worry she is in the arms of your saviour and One day when I call you up to be with me she will be there waiting for you as will I" I was in peace, I saw people worry for me and I told them not to. I knew where Heaven was and i knew she had duties to fulfill. She will forever be my angel.
It doesn't mean I don't think of her, Miss her.. but i know i will see her again. The Next day was the hardest knowing that I am not pregnant anymore. and I had to have her just like if she was an alive baby. I went through the contractions and through all the pain of having a baby, but i didn't get to see my reward, not for a long while, But I am OK with that..... March 1. is a bitter sweet day for me. I miss her so much and I wish she was here but i know she has duties of an angel to attend to. :)
Happy 4th Angel Day Baby Girl
Love, Your Momma...
:**( I wish I could've been there for you through this difficult time. Even though it has been a few years, I still see how sad you are by it, even though you try not to show it, and it makes me sad to you sad. You will see her again someday and now you, Henry and Ryan will always have an angel watching over you all. Here's a little something for you and Henry to share.
ReplyDelete"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."